


The Joke’s On You

by chaostheoryy



Category: IT - Stephen King, It Chapter Two (2019)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Comedian Richie Tozier, Eddie survived and married Richie, Established Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Established Relationship, I'm not funny enough, John Mulaney References, John Mulaney's Comeback Kid, M/M, Now they are dumb horny husbands, Post-IT Chapter Two, Semi-Public Sex, The bit is straight from John Mulaney's special not from my brain, Tumblr Prompt, request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-28 21:54:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20785643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaostheoryy/pseuds/chaostheoryy
Summary: Six months into their marriage, Richie takes a huge risk and tells a joke about Eddie on stage. The response he gets from his husband at the end of the show is far from anything he could have anticipated.





	The Joke’s On You

The hardest part of Richie’s job was traveling. Sometimes he would be on the road for weeks at a time while Eddie stayed at home and worked. It sucked for them both, especially right after getting married. There was this constant itch to be together, as if they’d become addicted to being by each other’s side.

But, on rare occasions, Eddie would take time off of work and travel with him. Those shows were always Richie’s favorite because he knew Eddie was out there in the audience. It didn’t matter if he missed a beat or stumbled over a punchline every now and then. The fact of the matter was Eddie was there to support him, even if that support meant absolutely roasting him when they met up for dinner after the show.

Sixth months after their wedding, they headed to Illinois to kick off his latest North American tour with a sold-out show at the legendary Chicago Theater. Richie was nervous and not just because he’d managed to fill all five thousand seats in the house that evening. No, that was nothing. The daunting fact he didn’t dare ignore was that he was going to tell a joke about Eddie on stage for the first time since getting married and Eddie was going to be sitting there in the room to hear it.

Was Eddie going to climb on stage and clock him in the jaw for it? Richie had no fucking clue.

* * *

“My husband, Eddie, and I have been married for six months now,” Richie said about halfway through the show.

Richie paused while the audience applauded. He nodded and smiled down at Eddie, who was seated center stage in the front row. Despite the blaring spotlights, he could see Eddie’s eyes widen ever so slightly at the mention of his name.

“Yeah, clap it up now, assholes. This’ll probably be the last show I ever do ‘cause he’s gonna strangle me the second I get backstage. Isn’t that right, Eds?”

Eddie pursed his lips together and tilted his head. Oh yeah, it was a definite possibility if Richie didn’t choose his jokes carefully the rest of the show.

“I asked Eddie a long time ago if he would let me make fun of him on stage. And he said, ‘Yeah, you can make fun of me. Just don’t call me a bitch and say you don’t like me ‘cause you’re a shitty liar’. I was shocked. The bar is even lower than I imagined! That’s it? I would never say that shit anyway.”

Richie wandered across the stage, eyes scanning the endless sea of faces.

“I would never say that, as a joke, my husband is a bitch and I don’t like him. That’s not true in the slightest.” He shook his head slightly and grinned, more to himself than to the crowd. “My husband’s a bitch and I like him so much. He’s a dynamite, five-foot-nine, risk assessing bitch and he’s the best.”

He let his gaze wander back over to Eddie as the audience applauded again.

“I love you, babe.”

There was no mistaking that the look on Eddie’s face was one of affection. He’d always been a private guy and was probably embarrassed to have Richie bring him up in his show. But Richie had stuck to his promise about using him in a bit. The only time Richie would ever make fun of him was out of love.

“Oh yeah,” Richie turned his attention back to the audience. “But if I hear any of you fuckers call him a bitch, just know I’m gonna shove my entire foot up your ass.”

The audience laughed.

* * *

Twenty minutes after the end of the show, Richie looked up from the couch in dressing room to see Eddie standing in the doorway.

“Eddie Spaghetti!” He exclaimed, hopping to his feet, “What did you think of the—“

Richie’s face fell when he noticed Eddie’s scowl. _Oh, shit_.

Eddie stepped inside and closed the door behind him without saying a word. Richie immediately began panicking, his heart thudding in his chest with the ferocity of a stampede of wildebeest.

“Look, Eddie, I’m sorry,” he whined, “I didn’t mean to piss you off. I’m serious. I didn’t— I just thought it would be funny to—“

Richie was completely cut off when Eddie’s hands grabbed him by the collar of his blazer and yanked him down into a kiss. Richie blinked.

“So, you’re..._not_ mad?” He murmured hesitantly when Eddie pulled back.

“No I’m not mad, dipshit,” Eddie replied, his eyes noticeably locking on Richie’s lips, “I’m hungry, I’m jet lagged, I’m turned on, and I’m so fucking in love with you right now.”

Richie’s eyebrows hiked up his forehead. Well, he certainly hadn’t expected the husband bit to go over _that_ well.

“You wanna go get dinner then?” Richie asked. “I know a great pizza place around the corner.”

Eddie rolled his eyes so hard they almost jostled his entire skull. “Did you just miss the part where I said I’m turned on or are you purposely refusing to address it?”

“I don’t know, I just thought you’d want to go—Whoa!” Richie shouted out in alarm as Eddie shoved him down onto the couch. “Okay. _Wow_.”

Eddie straddled his lap and began kissing at his neck. Richie blushed, hands gently grasping Eddie’s hips.

“Are we really doing this right now?” Richie stammered. “Eds, my agent could walk in here any second.”

“I told him I needed some alone time with you,” Eddie breathed in his ear, “Trust me, he’s not coming anywhere near this room.”

“Oh my God. What has gotten into you?” Richie was in awe. Eddie had never even been the kind of guy to french kiss in public let alone tell somebody he was going to get frisky with his husband in an adjacent room.

Eddie detached from his neck and looked him in the eyes. “You just paraded around in front of thousands of people on stage, telling strangers how much you love me. How the fuck am I _not_ supposed to want you right now?”

Richie licked his lips as Eddie went to town on his throat. “Shit. I’m gonna have to start writing more jokes about you for the next show.”

Eddie hummed in response and nipped at his Adam’s apple. He peppered kisses over every inch of Richie’s neck, pausing every now and then to drag his tongue over the darkest marks he left behind. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for Eddie to cover him in hickeys, but Richie had to admit that having Eddie mark him up while dozens of theater crew members were working just out of ear shot beyond the door was doing crazy things to him.

Richie let his hands wander down to rest on Eddie’s ass. Eddie responded by rolling his hips.

“What do you want, Rich?” Eddie whispered as he ground his body against his husband’s, “I’ll do anything for you.”

Richie sighed pleasantly, letting his head fall back to grant Eddie and his wandering mouth access to his collarbone. “Fuck, Eds, I don’t care. I’m good with wherever the hell this is going.” He gave Eddie’s ass an encouraging squeeze.

Eddie kissed a trail up the length of Richie’s neck before landing back on his lips. He licked the line of Richie’s mouth and Richie immediately opened up for him. Eddie’s continued to roll his hips as the kissed, each movement rubbing Richie’s groin just the right way.

“I wanna ride you.”

Richie nearly choked. His face flushed and his heart threatened to crawl up his esophagus and fly out of his mouth. “E-Eddie!”

Richie couldn’t help but be surprised. Normally Richie was the one to bottom in their relationship. It wasn’t that Eddie didn’t enjoy it himself or that Richie hated to top. They just seemed to click together that way. It felt natural and it was a method they had grown extremely comfortable with. But on the rare occasions that Eddie wanted Richie to top…God did that drive him crazy.

Eddie dragged his thumb over Richie’s jaw and gave him a look. “What? Are you really telling me you don’t want to fuck me in the ass?”

Richie blinked. “No that’s not at all what I’m saying! I just—“

He swallowed, forcing his heart back down into his chest. He scanned Eddie’s face in search of any sign that would tell him Eddie was hesitating. Sure enough, all he could find was determination.

He cupped Eddie’s face in his hands and kissed him hard. “Fuck, you make me crazy.”

“Can’t make you something you already were, dickhead.”

Richie tugged at the hem of Eddie’s shirt and waited for him to break their kiss before pulling the polo up over Eddie’s head. He tossed the garment onto the floor and leaned in to kiss Eddie’s bare chest. He brought one hand up to trace the line of the scar that ran all the way from Eddie’s navel up to the center of his pecs. Even now, years after their final battle with Pennywise, Richie was immeasurably grateful to whatever ethereal force had allowed Eddie to make it out alive.

After dragging his fingers over the entirety of the scar, Richie slid his hand over and began toying with Eddie’s nipple. A quick swipe of the thumb drew a soft hiss from Eddie’s lips. Richie smiled at the sound and dragged the flat of his tongue over the other knob of flesh.

“Richie…"

Richie’s spine tingled when Eddie’s fingers knotted themselves in his hair and the gentle tugs that followed motivated him to press on. He wrapped his lips around Eddie’s left nipple and sucked gently while his hand continued to rub and pinch at the right. The stimulation drove Eddie wild.

“Dammit, Rich,” Eddie gasped, “Don’t be such a fucking tease.”

“It’s called foreplay, baby,” Richie responded with a smirk. “You don’t think I’m gonna let you get all PBR on my dick without letting me play with you a little, do ya?”

“Fuck you.”

Richie chuckled and toyed with Eddie’s nipples a little more before capturing his lips in a passionate kiss.

“I love you,” Richie whispered against Eddie’s mouth.

“Mmmm.”

“Come on, baby, don’t be stubborn.” He reached down and gently rubbed at the lump in Eddie’s pants. “Let me hear you say it.”

Richie gave his erection a light squeeze and oh God did Eddie let out the most sultry sigh in response. “I love you too…”

“There it is.” Richie grinned and rewarded Eddie with an even firmer stroke of the hand. “I knew you had it in you.”

Eddie nipped at Richie’s bottom lip and bucked into his hand in search of more friction.

“If you quit fucking around, that’s not the only thing I’m gonna have inside me,” he replied.

Richie snorted and undid Eddie’s pants. If there was one thing he loved more than stubborn Eddie, it was impatient, horny, stubborn Eddie.

They worked together to get Eddie out of his shoes and pants, discarding them on the floor beside the already long forgotten polo. With Eddie stripped down to his briefs, Richie finally got a good view of Eddie’s thighs. It was even clearer to him now that their new workout routine was working wonders on Eddie’s lower body.

“One day you’re going to be able to crush me between these babies,” Richie said with a smile, dragging the palms of his hands over Eddie’s thighs.

“I could do it now if I really wanted to,” Eddie replied, “But murder is most effective when it’s a surprise.”

Richie slid his hand up the back of Eddie’s thigh and into his underwear. He watched with a crooked grin as Eddie’s tongue slipped out to lap at his lips when his finger ghosted over his hole. Eddie tried to arch back and encourage him to get to work but Richie refused to give him the satisfaction.

“Richie, I swear to fucking God, you better stop teasing me or I’m going to forgo the element of surprise and suffocate you right here and now.”

“Alright, alright, jeez,” Richie surrendered, slipping his hand back out to rest it on Eddie’s thigh, “Can’t a guy have fun anymore?”

Eddie stood up so he could remove his briefs. “Not when I’m trying to get him to fuck me, asshat,” he replied as he wandered over to the vanity, “Where’s your lube?”

“Third drawer from the left underneath my itinerary— Hold on. How did you know I even had lube?”

“I’m your husband, Rich.”

Richie narrowed his eyes but elected not to argue. He had a point.

“So are you gonna finger me or am I gonna have to do it myself?” Eddie asked once he had the lube in his possession.

“Gimme that.” Richie ripped the lube out of Eddie’s hand and yanked him back down onto his lap, “You’re so bitchy when you’re horny, y’know that?”

“Okay, Mr. ‘My Husband is a Bitch and I Like Him so Much’.”

Richie popped open the bottle and lubed up his fingers. “It’s true,” he replied, rubbing his fingers together to warm up the viscous gel, “You’re a bitch and I liked you enough to marry your whiny ass.”

Once his fingers were nice and slick, Richie got to work on prepping his husband. He worked slowly at first, pushing one finger into Eddie’s hole and only giving it a few pumps before pressing against his prostate.

“Dammit,” Eddie whispered, eyes fluttering in response to the stimulation.

“Bet you’ve missed that feeling, huh, baby?”

Eddie responded with a roll of the hips.

It wasn’t long before Richie worked in a second finger. Eddie was growing even more impatient by the second, groaning about Richie being a cocktease and muttering something about how he was going to murder him if he didn’t hurry up. Every time a mindless threat spilled from his mouth, Richie countered with a skillful touch to Eddie’s prostate and suddenly he would be speechless.

By the time Richie added a third finger, Eddie was practically drooling. His cock was hard against Richie’s abdomen and his nails were digging right through his clothes into the flesh of his shoulders.

“Richie, _please_,” Eddie moaned.

Eddie removed his fingers, pressing a soft kiss to the side of Eddie’s neck. “Okay, Eds. Let me just get my pants off.”

Eddie stood and helped Richie shimmy out of his pants. He watched with hungry eyes as Richie popped open the lube again, this time to lather his cock. Richie gave himself a few lazy strokes before beckoning Eddie back over.

“Finally,” Eddie grumbled as he settled back down on Richie’s lap.

Richie pulled him in for another kiss. “Alright, don’t rush it, you dingbat. Take your time so you don’t hurt your— _Jesus_, Eddie!”

Richie groaned as Eddie took in his entire cock at once without warning. He swallowed hard and blinked at his husband.

Eddie rolled his hips, looking almost unfazed. “I told you I’m done fucking around. You want me to ride your stupid ass or not?”

Richie nodded, cheeks hot. Eddie began moving immediately, hands grasping tightly onto Richie’s shoulder for support. Richie couldn’t have taken his eyes off of him even if he wanted to.

“Fuck, Eddie,” he whispered in reverence as he took Eddie’s cock into his hand, “You look so fucking hot right now.”

A smug smile tugged at the corner of Eddie’s mouth. “I’m always hot, asshole.”

“Well, yeah, but—“

Eddie shut him up with a kiss. He picked up the pace, lifting up and sliding back down onto Richie’s cock with precision. It was an exhausting act and Richie could tell he was working himself into a sweat by being completely in control. He needed some support to really get them where they wanted to go. And Richie was happy to help.

Richie grabbed Eddie by the hips and repositioned his own feet so he could start bucking his hips. Eddie moaned at the new sensation.

“Sh-shit. _Rich_…”

Richie kept his movement steady, pushing up into Eddie with firm bucks of the hip but ensuring that he wasn’t taking things too far. Once he’d found a proper rhythm and a solid angle, he grabbed Eddie’s cock once again and started pumping.

Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck and pressed their temples together. His breathing was hot and heavy on Richie’s ear and God the sounds he made were absolutely intoxicating to listen to.

“Faster,” he whispered breathlessly.

Richie did as he was asked and picked up the speed. The change seemed to be just what Eddie needed. He lost complete control of his vocal chords and began letting out soft, high-pitched moans that would have made thirteen year old Richie Tozier cream his pants if he heard them.

“Richie…I’m—“ Eddie’s nails dug deeper into his shoulders and every muscle in his body seemed to tighten. “_F-fuck_.”

“It’s okay, Eds,” Richie whispered into his ear, “I got you. Just let go.”

It only took a couple more thrusts for Eddie to lose it with a loud, breathless groan of pleasure. His cock twitched in Richie’s hand, painting ribbons of cum over Eddie’s stomach as his body convulsed around Richie. Richie slowed his movements, allowing Eddie to ride out his orgasm without overstimulating his body.

Eddie’s arms hung limply around Richie’s neck, his fingers instinctively playing with Richie’s hair as he gasped for breath. He rolled his hips lazily until the waves settled and he stilled in Richie’s lap with a heavy sigh.

Richie pulled out and ran his hand soothingly over Eddie’s spine. “You alright, Eddie Spaghetti?”

Eddie nodded into the crook of his neck. “I’m fine. Just…tired.”

“I’ll bet,” Richie replied with a chuckle, “You sat on my dick like a fucking porn star, you psycho!”

Eddie snorted.

They sat there for a moment with Richie rubbing Eddie’s back in support while he caught his breath. Once he finally found the strength to move, Eddie slid out of his lap and knelt down on the floor between Richie’s open legs.

“Eds, what are you doing? Come on, man. I can finish myself off,” Richie said softly, “Just relax.”

Stubborn as ever, Eddie shook his head and wrapped his fingers around Richie’s cock. “I’m not letting you settle for a sloppy hand job.”

Richie bit his bottom lip and eagerly watched as Eddie licked a long, thick line up the length of his cock. If there was one signature aspect of Eddie’s blow jobs, it was that the he loved to use his tongue. And Richie was all for it.

Eddie lapped at the head of Richie’s cock a few times before wrapping his lips around it. Richie moaned as Eddie slowly began moving his head. His body wanted so desperately to thrust up into the wet warmth of Eddie’s mouth but Richie kept his composure and let Eddie do as he pleased.

Eddie hummed as he bobbed away, sending a tingling sensation straight to Richie’s spine. It gave him goosebumps and made his eyes flutter.

It didn’t take long for Richie to reach his boiling point. Within moments, his heart was pounding and his breathing was heavy.

“Eds,” he warned as Eddie deep throated him, “Pull off now or I swear I’m gonna—“

Eddie did something incredible with his tongue and suddenly Richie lost control of himself. He threw his head back and let his jaw drop open with a loud moan as he came into Eddie’s mouth. Eddie swallowed.

“Holy shit,” Richie gasped, hand clutching at his chest as he tried to catch his breath. “What the hell did you just do to me?”

He looked down just in time to see Eddie pull off and nearly lost his mind at the sight of his husband’s beautifully swollen lips tainted by a single string of thick, white cum that oozed down his chin. If only Richie could have snapped a photo of that moment. He’d never need to watch a single porno while he was on the road ever again.

“Jesus Christ, Eds,” Richie said in bewilderment as Eddie licked the cum off of his chin and rose to his feet, “You’re unhinged.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and wandered over to the vanity to grab a tissue and wipe himself off. “Quit acting like a virgin,” he teased, tossing the bottle of lube back in the drawer out of sight, “We’re married.”

Richie ran his fingers through his hair and watched Eddie clean himself off across the way. Eddie had been his husband for half a year but Richie still couldn’t believe it. In his eyes, Eddie was perfect and completely out of his league by any standard. But Eddie loved him for who he was and stood by his side every time the going got tough. Even if their way of showing it was odd and confusing to people around them, they were madly in love and always would be.

Richie grinned.

“You’re doing that thing again.”

“What thing?”

“That thing where you stare at me like a lovestruck teenager,” Eddie replied as he started throwing his clothes back on.

“Is that a fucking problem? Am I not allowed to look at my own husband like that?”

Eddie zipped up his pants and wandered back over to climb in Richie’s lap again. “Not if you don’t plan on kissing me again.”

Richie smiled from ear to ear. “I think I can make that happen.”

He reached up and gently caressed Eddie’s face for a moment before pulling him into a soft kiss. Eddie sighed into his mouth.

“I love you, Rich.”

“I love you too, Eds,” he whispered. He pressed their foreheads together so he could look Eddie in the eyes. “You’re still a bitch though.”

Eddie couldn’t stifle the laughter in his throat. He cracked a smile so big and so bright that Richie thought he would go blind.

“Fuck you,” Eddie grumbled, gently slapping Richie’s cheek as he rose to his feet again, “Get your fucking pants on. I wanna go get pizza but I can’t open the door while your dick’s still hanging out.”

Richie hopped up and quickly slid his pants back on. “Yes! I’m telling you, Eds, you’re gonna love this place!”

Eddie’s hand instinctively found his as they exited the room, fingers intertwining instantly.

“I sure hope so,” Eddie replied, “Otherwise I’m ditching your ass at the hotel tonight and heading home by myself.”

Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand and smiled.


End file.
